With Him We Can

We had a Relief Society Retreat in my stake. We came together for an evening and tied quilts, had dinner, and then had a program of speakers and musical numbers. I gave a short talk with the theme With Him We Can. All the speakers had a different take on it. We had some talk about adoption, military moms, death, hard times, being an every day women, etc. Mine was based around my growing up and going on a mission tying in With Him We Can. I would like to write about what I talked about. Note this will not be exactly what I said because I didn't write my talk down. So this is all from memory.

I grew up in the Gospel. I grew up going to church on Sundays, going to youth activities, mutual, and going to seminary (a class for kids 14-18 years old to learn more about the church). I loved it. I loved what the church was doing for me. Fast forward to my senior year in high school and I started to have doubts. I started to doubt everything I had grown up believing in. I didn't tell to many people because I was embarrassed and ashamed. But I tried to shrug it off and keep going. Now fast forward to my first year in college. That's when I really began to doubt. Those fears of things not being true seemed to be happening. I would pray but I didn't feel like anyone was listening. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I kept going to church, activities, and institute (the adult class) because I knew I needed to be there. But I really was just going through the motions and it was holding no meaning for me. I kept praying for strength to keep going and what to do. I had this feeling I needed to go talk to my Institute Teacher, but I didn't want to. I thought I would be a bother and wasting his time. I finally caved in and went to go talk to him, which was one of the best things I could do. I told him how I was feeling and how I felt like a failure. He stopped me right there and told me I wasn't a failure. If I had failed that would mean I would have given up, but I hadn't. I was still going to church, institute, praying and reading my scriptures. It was OK to be feeling like this. Everyone for themselves has to have a trying period and a time to know if this church, this gospel was true. We read in the Book of Mormon from Alma 32, which I challenge you to read!! It talks about faith and wanting to believe. But that knowledge wouldn't come quick. But with a wanting to believe, exercising my faith, having patience, and being diligent in my studies of the church I would know when the time was right the church was true. At the end of the year (May) there would be a trip to Nauvoo and he highly encouraged me to go. I was promised that this trip would change my life. 

So fast forward now to that end of the year trip. Up to this point things had slowly started to get better, but I was still a little shaky about my testimony and about the church. We are leaving Nauvoo and nothing had happened. It was fun and it was a beautiful little city but I didn't feel any different. I started to think something was wrong with me. I prayed and asked again for this life changing experience. We had a few more stops to make before we came back to Utah. The last stop was in Independence, Missouri. That morning I had the opportunity to go inside a new temple, the Kansas City Missouri Temple. It had only been open for 10 days. This part of the trip was unplanned. I went and had a nice experience. It was very peaceful. I was feeling the spirit (but I didn't realize it at the time). Later that day I was able to visit the Community of Christ's temple. As soon as I walked in I felt different. I didn't feel bad, but I didn't have the same peaceful, calming feeling I had in the Mormon Temple. I knew at that moment that the Mormon Religion was true. I knew that Joseph Smith had seen God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ and had re-established the church on Earth. I knew that I was a daughter of a Heavenly King and that Christ was my brother and Savior and that they loved me and cared for me so much!! They wanted me to be happy and to trust in them. I know this sounds crazy that just by walking into a building to feel all that, but that's how it was. 

So now fast forward to to the end of my second year in college. I was needed to change schools but I wasn't sure where to go and things just weren't working out. I would pray and I kept getting this feeling I needed to serve a mission. I kept pushing it aside. Background: I had never wanted to serve a full time mission. I thought maybe I would do a couple's mission (like the Petersen's) but that wasn't for many years down the road. It didn't fail, when I would pray something about a mission would come up. On Sunday I decided to fast and pray. I told Heavenly Father I needed to know by the end of sacrament meeting if I was suppose to go on a mission and if I was I needed a sign and it would have to be big because I was missing the little one. We're coming to the end of the meeting and one of the final speakers got up. He wasn't sure why he needed to speak that day but he really felt like he needed to say, "if you're on the fence line about going on a mission than you need to go." I knew at that moment that it was for me and that I needed to go. I still struggled with the whole idea. That summer I had such the inward battle of needing to go and wanting to stay. I was talking to my cousin about it one day and she asked me the reasons why I didn't want to go. Number 1 I didn't wan't to leave my family/extended family. We had family parties all the time. I enjoyed their company. By going on a mission I wouldn't get that for 18 months. I would miss them too much. I had absolutely no desire to go. I felt like you needed that or else it would be a long mission. Last I was just plain scared, that fear of the unknown. My cousin, who had served a mission was able to give me comfort and told me those were all valid reasons, but people would be placed in my areas that would become like my family and friends, as I continued to go the desire would come, and if I would trust in the Lord than he would help take the fear away. Plus if I didn't go I would spend my whole life asking the what if question of what if I had gone. I decided to go. So after 8 months I turned in my papers (the application that talks about medical things, if you've speak another language, etc.) and 1 week later I had my call to go to the Canada Montreal Mission. 5 months later I found myself on a mission. 

Let me tell you, it was hard. Those first couple of months were the longest months of my life. I would just pray and pray for peace knowing I was doing the right thing and for charity to love the people I had and would meet. Eventually the peace came and I definitely grew to love the people!! Avan (my cousin) was right. There were so many people placed in my path that reminded me of my family and friends I had left behind. I was able to make new friends that loved me and cared about me. That desire came. I was able to tell people about the Gospel and how wonderful it is. That fear subsided. Sometimes it would resurface when I would change areas or a new challenge came. But it wouldn't last long. I know I was able to serve a mission because of Him. Without his help I would have never survived. I would have never been able to meet someone you and all the other wonderful people I met. Canada has a special part in my heart. 

Now that I'm home I'm still figuring out what to do with my life. Where to go to school, what to major in, who my friends should be, etc. But I know that with Him I can. For with God all things are possible. We weren't put in this Earth to fail. We are meant to succeed. We just have to trust in Him and let Him in our lives. I know that Jesus is the Christ. I know he came to earth and performed the atonement. He did that because he loves us; so he can help us and we can return to live with him again.